Cuck Storm Replacement Comments.

 Didn't expect so many comments. It's great. Thank you all.

I feel guilty that I've only shared excerpts. I'm planning to share the first four chapers (the first one is much the same, breakfast-in-bed one from the first version) and an outline of all the rest. I've written a bunch of those, but they don't all connect up yet. 

In the meantime, because Blogger's comments are so crap - 

It’s hard to say what’s too much when you only have fragments to go by. Like you said in your earlier post, the slow burn of his cuckolding needed the mundane chapters to help build up the impact of the erotic ones. Everytime he thinks things are going back to normal, he gets hammered by his cucking. If you have enough downtime between the erotic events, I think it should be fine.

 I have two storylines that serve for downtime - his increasing success and dynamism at work and Ashley's increasing dissatisfaction with her own. As I see it, his attempts to distract himself from his reaction to Ashley cucking him make him work harder. Plus, they way this whole scenario has knocked him out of his complacency make him more of a risk-taker, which leads to good outcomes for work. But he never connects this to him becoming more attractive to Ashley, even though it is. 

It takes a while to reveal, but the rumours about Ashley in her workplace are affecting her. Her colleagues disrespect her, eventually leading to her leaving that workplace and changing her career.

I really liked the characterization of Ashley. You made it clear that she pities Dave which indicates that she does care for him. Seeing your husband reduced in status like that can’t be easy. But also, you can see her cunning. She knows that if she controls his orgasms, she controls the relationship. In this way, the nofap plot line is very logical. It makes me think that Ashley’s mother is going to play a much bigger role in our perception of the character. She and Ashley’s father got divorced at a young age, and this is an attempt to prevent that fate from ever happening to her.

I don't know if she pities him. She's intrigued by his reaction. She absolutely does love him, and she loves the way this lifestyle makes her feel, but she's concerned that if he continues to masturbate alone then their relationship will suffer. Plus, although he loves feeling slutty and Dave knowing about it, she shies away from him seeing her as she's just old-school embarrassed about someone watching her fuck. Especially as she's so submissive with Mike and she feels Dave might lose respect for her if he actually witnesses this in person. This is exacerbated by the way Mike talks about it - he's most interested in the cuck dynamic where he is essentially dominating Dave, by dominating her, and she doesn't really buy into that in the same way.

The audio at the end was a neat idea. It does seem pretty elaborate for a new cuckoldress to do. But like I said, without reading the work as a whole, it’s hard to tell if it’s too much too soon and it is an idea that I don’t see often. I’m wondering if he’s going to not go for it, but then he gets caught snooping on her laptop or something later. It would be a temptation that he can’t resist.

She wants them to do this together. Before this she's tried different ways for her and Dave to have sex in a cuckold context, short of him watching live. She wants him to jerk off over her in a way she controls. This is her latest attempt. There's video to follow in this scene. The point (for her) is for Dave to talk to her about how he feels.

From Another Anonymous user, or the same one, who can tell?

I liked this excerpt more than the one with Mike - think I have a vague disagreement about importance of Mike. Would rather see her go back to Jim, do something with Jay, and continue with Ryan and Chang stuff. Mike is great and he can be focus but I am less interested in them *dating*. That being said, I love it all, lol.

Given your photo choice, I'd love to see Ashley also open up with a sleeve tattoo or getting her tits pierced with Tamara. 100 percent agree with wanting to know more about submissive shirt. 

Oof. I'm pretty invested in Mike. I don't think we'll actually 'see' her with anyone else. That said, there's a world of imagination out there. Jim Murta is problematic for Ashley. However, Jay does feature in a fantasy session early on. (That fantasy scene in his parents house is one of the best in the originals I think).

Ryan and Chang never really did it for me, but there's that whole party with the submissive TeeShirt and Tamara to revisit. I'm writing that at the moment.

From Bermugandr

I don't think the pace is too fast. I think the previous version was maybe a bit too fast but I really liked the content in general. I wanted to see what happened next and the interactions with the friend and anther guy. To me I think an increase in pace was needed at this point. It's like the beginning of a coaster where you go slow as your pulled up to the top. I felt like at the end of the second book we where at the top of the coaster. Like at some point his internal tension has to break one way or another, no change in pace isn't realistic either. Often the first step is the hardest and things snowball from there with each step after coming faster. Either he starts accepting bit by bit that he wants to be cuckolded and a Sissy or he has to reject to all together.

I'm of the view that the originals work so well because while he thinks he wants to reject this, every action he takes is a subconscious attempt to embrace it. He sabotages himself at every turn. When he accepts it,  even bit by bit, the story is over. If he rejects it, then it turns into something different where Ashley is doing this to him over his protests.  I'm trying to keep that mental dichotomy up in Dave's head, but each ratchet makes it more and more unbelievable. 

I really liked the revaluation that she had been doing her own research and wasn't just going along with what mike told her to do. It removes a lot of his fears. I think your set up in this section could maybe be near to the front and a good jumping off point into something from your previous long story which is her own research, that outside of the games in there normal life he's still her man and husband and only his whining makes her lose any real respect for him.

Yeah. Ashley is smart. She sees through Mike's self-serving bullshit easier than Dave. She likes spending time with him and she loves fucking him, but essentially he's a friend who she could never be with as a partner. From the start, she's realised there's something slightly twisted in Mike. He's more interested in his Dominant relationship with Dave than with her. He likes fucking her, but that's mostly because it's a way to reinforce his dominance of Dave. He has no interest in being with a single woman. So of course, she's done her own research and she realises not everything is as it seems. 

She knows Dave's whining is not the full story - it's obvious he's really getting off on the whole scene. What she wants is for him is to be able to have a 'cuckold orgasm' with her. 

If you want her to continue as a loving wife, it's also key for her to tell him and him to slowly understand it's there love that makes this so good for her and makes it work at all. Like maybe on an arousal scale sex with him alone is like a 2, sex with mike alone is like a 5, she wouldn't be able to let go so much without him in the picture, but watching him masturbate to her and mikes video is like an 8 and having sex with Mike knowing that love of her life is at home unable to get pleasure and that he's thinking about how the love of his life is out with another man is like a 100. Not exactly like that and he may not full believe it at first. 

Mostly agree, except I'd reverse those last two - her ideal scene is Dave (submissively) jerking off over her after she's been completely satisfied. Imagining Dave denied and desperate while she gets fucked by Mike is cool, but she really wants to hear how she makes him feel and how, for him, she's this incredibly unattainable forbidding sexual being who's also a totally wanton slut. 

Same user? Different?  Who Knows? But, wow. You've put so much thought into this. Thank you. I'm sure it's not desreved.

So story board idea using a lot of what you already have.
1. This is before any camera's get installed and is the first video he sees.
2. She doesn't say anything just teases him with the video and her body and it doesn't take long till he's close.
4. She then pauses and it's just as she starts to give Mike a blowjob. Tells him she's never seen him this hard before nor leaking so much precum and he see's her start to masturbate. He see's an opportunity to convince her that she's what turn him on and not what she's doing. She says that's not true, that it's not just her but what she's doing to him. She then tells him Mike's not the first big cock she's sucked, he mumbles about Jim. She ignores this and say nor was Jim. But never until now was she turned on by giving a guy a blow job. It was the fact that she was giving Mike a blowjob while he, her husband and the man she loves, was at home locked up and unable to get any pleasure. That in this part he was the only thing turning her on and now he get's to see he give mike one of the best blowjobs ever because of how turned on her husband made her. He whines about this which causes her to stop masturbating and rebuke him that only his whining is causing her to lose respect for him.
5, She stops any come back by starting the video and his eye's are drawn to the screen. He tell himself he'll show her by not saying anything or masturbating. However, as if it has a mind of it's own his body takes over and he starts to masturbate and in no time he's close again.
6. Pause again. She tells him he must love being her cuck because he can't look away and masturbates so hard. After all he could just look at her and not the screen if it was really just about her. He decides to try and just not say anything but vows to himself he'll just keep looking at her.

7. However, just as it resumes he her's a slap and his eyes are immediately drawn to the screen. Distantly he hears her giggle but can't tear himself away as he's seeing his wife worship with her mouth another, larger cock while moaning after each slap. After a little bit of this he's close again and she pauses.

8. It's an effort but after a bit he's able to tear his eyes from the screen and back to her. She giggles again seeing his struggle and then starts to masturbate again. He asks her if he'd spank her would she go back to being his again. This time it's less whining and more begging or pleading which turns her on more. She explains that he couldn't as he's not that type of man. He starts to try and say something but she cut's him off. Saying she could never love or be with the type of man who could spank her or dominate her like Mike does. She know from experience loving or being with that type of man comes with more negatives than it's worth and what she's found with him is deeper than just sex after all big dicked dominate guys are a dime a dozen but a man who likes being cucked and is strong enough to let her cuck him is one in a million. She masturbating while saying this turned on by what she's doing to him but he can also see the deep love in her for him in her eyes.

9. Seeing her love for him echoed in his eyes she tells him that he can cum on her foot but he has to thank her for cucking him while he does.

10. At this point he's lost every argument pushing him further into a submission to her and his fears temporarily put to rest his true desire comes out. He thanks her profusely for cucking him while having the biggest orgasm of his life. She also has a big orgasm as she see's him cum.

11. before the come down can start she grabs his attention an tells him if he wants to see more of the video he has to lick his cum off her foot. Which he does and after finishing as he's hitting the low he see's her counting down.

12. Then you can have the after care scene you did previously. Give him the chance to stop it if he wants, he doesn't.

13.I think for timeline purposes a time skip would work well. Like they keep watching the video while masturbating and she shares what she was thinking/feeling and turned her on. Maybe the next scene is them at the end of the video with some progressions. He's not hesitating about thanking her for cucking him she's masturbating but now maybe wearing loose clothing so he just see her hands moving under her clothes. I don't think you need to show every little step and you included him masturbating with her clothed previously and I thought that was as good place for this to end up.

2/2

  You get to the difficulty with all this in point 13. It's too much in one scene, hitting every cuck thing in one session. If we're time-skipping in and out, like a movie might do, then you can string it out but the tension gets broken with every skip. To be honest, I think you suffer from the exactly the same eat-all-the-sweeties-in-the-bag-all-at-once problem that I do.

A the end of this scene he's thanking her for cucking him and after that, there's really nowhere to go.

Back the the point by point - I don't think she can only enjoy giving blowjobs knowing that Dave is denied - I think she does like sex, it's just better for her if it's kind of slutty. 

On the whining - in what I've written this time around, she never directly rebukes him for whining - it's always Mike. In fact, for her, while nobody likes listening to whining, she knows this is a symptom of the fact that her cucking him is eating him up. If he stopped whining it might meant he was becoming indifferent or inured to it, which wouldn't be a good thing for her. What she worries about is (a) them growing apart because of the cucking - indirectly because he's masturbating alone and (b) Dave and Mike getting into open conflict over her, because of Mike needling and belittling him, which she kind of enjoys in a dommy way, but she's aware - boys will be boys - that this kind of bullying might degenerate into open conflict which she'd have to end by dumping Mike. 

On the spanking - 'I like it but not from a man I love' - agree, but I don't think she'd spell it out so openly. As an aside AprilW9 - also known as AprilWould is a GWA audio performer on reddits GoneWildAudio forum. She has a really great cuckold audio on exactly this theme - Like to the reddit post,   Link to my blogpost about it.  

In it, she says something exactly like this while her bull is spanking her. Strong reccomend.

Phew. Anyhow, like I say above, I feel like I've whetted a lot of appetites and I hope I can satisfy them. I'm reluctant to push out much more until I can get a solid set of chapters, even the first four or so, that I'm totally happy with. When I get a chance I'll map out the outlines for each chapter and the first chapters I'm okay with, which may be nearer the middle as I'm finding the beginning the hardest.

Thanks for all the comments. I'm very enthused.

Al.

 

More Cuck Storm Replacement Service.

 Blogger feels like the worst platform for this stuff. The comment system is atrocious. I think about moving to Medium, but the hassle puts me off. 

Anyway, I got some kind comments, and I wanted to post another excerpt. 

In the meantime - 

More analysis after a second read. You’ve definitely nailed the tone again and the goal of making the cuckolding more indirect to keep it inline with the books was accomplished. I also liked the story about Mike’s past. It gives more context about why he is the person he is and also plays to the “mommy” theme that was very prevalent in the first two books. It also brings to mind the “Alfie” dog story Dave tells in the first book.

The excerpt feels much more connected to the first two books and I can tell how much your analysis has helped. Your point about the main storyline is well made and I’m wondering if there even needed to be a fourth book like was initially announced. It seems like there wouldn’t be enough material unless the original author planned on creating some arbitrary drama like many of the big genre authors tend to do. The author reminds me a bit of the director Michael Bay in a way. He made some good movies but doesn’t actually understand why those movies were considered good nor how to replicate that success in his other work. Like Bay, I don’t think the original author has any idea why his first two books were successful. It’s very possible that you have a better understanding of his work then he ever did.

I don't know about tone. McManus is able to write Dave's inner monologue so well. It feels like you're inside his head. I keep going back to action and dialogue. And my stuff is so wordy. 

I'd totally forgotten about the fat kid and Alfie. That whole sequence in the beach house is so well done. Nothing actually happens but Dave works himself into a total lather in 24 hours. If I'd written that, there would have been an orgy in the hot tub in the first hour.

In my view of Mike, which I haven't really worked into the story much, he is all about domination of other men. He sees sex almost exclusively as a power trip. He doesn't want single women. he only gets off on the power of humiliating other men. There's more of this in other chapters. The childhood story is true, the key point being that he says he didn't bully the other kid, but he did. 

I doubt I have a better understanding of what makes the original two books so good. I certainly can't recreate them. He's able to paint the light and shade very well. I think the problem with the story is the same problem for all cuckold stories. The start is always the best part and after the very first scene, it's all epilogue. 

Cuckolding is a wife going with another man. Once it's happened, it's all repetition. Sure, you can spice it up, escalate it, but the vital 'Oh God, No. Why do I like this?' moment is essentially a once-off, and you're chasing that high for the rest of the book. Sequels even more so. 

All that said, here's a spicing-it-up excerpt from earlier than the other one. I've lest in my own notes and stuff at the top. [doorman] means I can't remember his name and I have to go back and fix it later. 

Another Extract

This is roughly two thirds of the way through. As you'll read, Ashley has been increasingly closing down his masturbation. She's going to a work function of Mike's as Mike's date and will be staying over at a hotel. Is this too much? This 'NoFap' storyline is the main Dave-Ashley interaction. The other main one is the Dave-Mike humiliation one where Mike increasingly engineers situations where he can humble Dave. 

The intention is that this scene flows into Ashley encouraging him to masturbate in front of her, using audio and video of her and Mike together as a lure. That still feels like too much too fast. I haven't written that bit yet, and I'm leaning toward Dave refusing to go along with it but I don't know what that does to the story. 

Input much appreciated.

If you don't want to struggle with comments, alamopreacher@gmail.com will reach me.

Cuck Storm Replacment : Attempt two

 A while ago I made an attempt to write the third book in David McManus's Reluctant Cuckold series.

I say attempt, because while I enjoyed writing it, and I got a lot of good feedback, I didn't think it was all that good and eventually it ran into the sand. I made a few attempts to 'fix' it, I never felt I was getting anywhere and I abandoned the effort.

Well, it ate away at me. I kept returning to re-read "Reluctant" and "Horizon" and appreciate them more and more. 

Here's the things I thought were wrong with my attempt, in no particular order.

• It moved way too fast. Ten chapters took place over a couple of days.
• I went straight from explicit sex scene to sex scene too rapidly.
• I didn't get enough of Dave's internal monologue and retrospection in, which is a hallmark of the originals.
• I didn't do enough fantasising. Some of the best passages in the originals take place in Dave's head.
• There's very little face-to-face time with Mike. Mike humiliating Dave directly are also really good scenes, but I shied away from these.
• Ashley and Dave get super explicit about femdom, cuckolding and FLR straight away. The glancing-off-it unstated nature of the originals is lost almost immediately.

For me, the key point in the originals come after Ashley invites Mike back and they close the door on Dave. 

When Mike says “I think we’re going to have a little private time now.” That's the point that a good book gets really very good. What makes it even better is that there's almost no explict sex that evening. They turn the music up too loud. It's all in Dave's head.

Amazingly, McManus pulls this off again in the second book. 

“Dave,” she said, “I think we’re going to retire now, okay?”

“You’re going to bed?” I said.

“Yeah, we’re going to the bedroom now, okay?” 

If anything, this is even better.  These exchanges work so well because McManus has done so much work leading up to these scenes and he's been so subtle in painting the relationship between Ashley and Dave.  

To try to get more familiar with the spirit of the originals, I did a couple of things. First, I made an index for the first two books. Here's an excerpt. I wanted to count and see where these topics came up. There's three pages of this.

I used Sarah Evaliina to illustrate.

Then I made a time-line. How much time passes between events. In the originals, future events - Ashley going out with Mike, them meeting up etc. are flagged in advance which makes the book flow better. 

And while I did those, I wrote short summaries of each chapter in the first two books.

In short, I took it all apart to see how it ticked.

During previous rewrite attempts, I'd written some passages which I liked, and now I'd written more, but they weren't linked together.  So, I tried to write some sort of structure for the book to hang them in and try to avoid the pitfalls that I'd repeatedly fallen into.

As a hobby, do-it-for-the-fun-of-it kind of writer, I never think about structure. I just sit down, start writing and see where it goes. Obviously, this is bad. All my bad habits and foibles have free reign and get amplified by this stream-of-bullshit way of writing. 

I think Hemmingway said that writing is easy. You just sit at your typewriter and bleed onto the page. In short, it's hard work, and it's painful. 

My hardest challenge in all this was keeping away from the incredible gravitational pull of Dave and Ashley talking explicitly about what's going on. Dom-female to Sub-male dialog is my catnip. But in the originals, this never happens. They glance off each other. Discussions are not explicit. Things are left unsaid. Nothing ever concludes. 

In my first attempted rewrite, I broke this rule straight away. Ashley makes Dave say that he is her cuck in chapter two. She then makes him jerk off onto her foot. And from there on, the relationship is irrevocably changed. Now, I liked writing that chapter. Readers said it was hot. But if Bruce Willis and Sybil Sheppard had got it on  in the first episode of Moonlighting, then nobody would have watched episode two.

I had to keep more of this unsaid. More meaningful silences. More talking at cross-purposes. More ambiguity.

But of course, it's hard to keep that believable, given all that's happened in the first two books.

There is an idea of fiction of rising and falling action, with each cycle getting faster and more heightened until a crisis, and then denouement. I wanted to follow this idea, which I think is present in the originals. In the originals they meet up with friends, or we hear a lot about Dave's work, or they spend time doing couple stuff together. In fact, that's two thirds of the books. It's not sex-scene to sex-scene to sex scene. I tried hard to make these parts interesting. 

I have to admit that on my first read-through of Reluctant and Horizon, I kinda fast-forwarded through all the scenes in Dave's work or the going-out-as-couples with their friends. But these scenes are essential to the tone and pacing of the book.

Also, there is an idea of a story's plot, the main storyline, and sub-plots which contrast with the main storyline and give more substance.

For me, the main storyline is Dave and Ashley's relationship. His reluctance to accept that he is a cuckold, and her grinding away at his resistance - the final crisis being his acceptance, maybe even embracing of the lifestyle.

The subplots are Mike and Dave sparring off each other, and (continuing from the original) Dave's failures and victories in his workplace.

That main storyline is hard to keep in check. When I re-read Reluctant and Horizon, it's surprising just how dominant Ashley is. Early in Horizon she makes him enter chastity, but it's all done so  carefully that it doesn't feel forced. When I wrote equivalent scenes, they felt like a slam in the face. I tried hard to work on the tone, less jump-scare, more rising dread for David.

Finally, I decided the answers to some key questions I felt I had to have clarity on. Here's a few examples.

• Does Ashley actually want him to watch?
• Why hasn't she invited him to?
• Can she be with someone else? Jim? Mike jealousy?
• The 'submissive' tee shirt party  - what happened?
• Did Ashley go to Mike’s after US Open?
• Was there someone before Murta?
• Has Tamara met Mike

I've written about as many words now as there is in either Horizon or Reluctant. But, I know I'm going to dump up to half of it, and I still have a lot of 'connective tissue' to write.

I'm still actively working on it and there's no part I'm 100% happy with.

In the meantime, here's an excerpt, a part I like and will keep in the final version to some degree.

The context for this is - it's later in the story - in the second half. Ashley has started to forbid Dave to masturbate for periods. Mike is about to go away on a business trip. Dave is determined to make the most of the Mike-free time. He's bought her a fancy lingerie set, intending to give it to her once Mike is gone but she sees the bag and he can't resist giving it to her early. Then he has to go to a bar to meet Mike and bring him back later. Ashley wants them to be friends.

PDF Sample

Some people have commented or emailed encouragement to work on this. Thank you all so much. It really does help to give me momentum. 

Some people suggested a tip jar or something like that. No need. To be clear, I'm never going to sell this. It's too close to the original author's work and it wouldn't be right to charge for it.

When I have a draft I feel is okay I'll make it available here for free.