Sunday, April 03, 2011

Since posting my link to Strict Wife Magazine, I've had a few letters from readers. Here's the first.

Dear Strict Wife,
My husband has dropped several hints about wanting a wife-led-marriage. While I haven’t engaged with him about this - I’ve carefully avoided his hints - I am a little interested.
There seem to be several pros and cons, and I’d be interested in your feedback.
Pro. I like the idea of putting him in his place. He does annoy me occasionally, and it would be great to be able to just shut him up when he gets argumentative. On the other hand, does that really work for other women? I can imagine him just wanting to get a kinky thrill out of being dominated by his wife, and not actually doing what he’s told when there’s no sexual context.
Pro. I’ve always liked being dominant in bed. In fact, that’s the way it usually is between us, and I know that he likes that too. In fact, that’s the way he’d like it to be all the time. But, occasionally I like to just get fucked myself. I think if we were to adopt this kind of lifestyle 24/7 then I might miss that - not that it works very well right now in any case.
Pro. I’m not certain about this, but I think he would like to cross dress. Actually, I suspect he already does. I kind of like that idea, if it were an occasional thing, but I’d hate the idea of anyone else finding out about it. I wouldn’t like my parents or our neighbours to know. I worry that if I let him, that eventually he’d want to go out in public in a dress. That sounds horrible. Also, I think he might just look totally ridiculous or slightly creepy, and after seeing him dressed, I wouldn’t want him to ever do it again.
Pro. I do love him, and if this is something he wants, and I found I could live with it, then I’d do it. But I have a concern that if we try it, he might back out of it, and our relationship would be damaged by the experience. I have read a bit about this, and that seems pretty common. I don’t want him to try this, then back out of it, and have feelings of shame or guilt or not being able to ‘look me in the eye’ afterwards.
That may all sound pretty wimpy to you balls-of-steel women who do this on a 24/7 basis. Don’t get me wrong. I am a strong woman. I don’t doubt that I can do this, my concerns are more about whether I really want to or not.
Looking forward to, what I hope will be constructive feedback.

Jennifer (full name withheld at correspondants request)

Dear Jenny, This is a great letter, and you sound like a great wife. Not wimpy at all!
Your concerns are very typical, and the fact that you raise them makes the chances of you creating a successful wife-led-marriage all the better. The kind of problems that you envision do happen, but they happen because couples embark on changing their marriage with their eyes closed to the problems. Being aware of these ‘cons’ means you’re much less likely to experience them.
Lets take your concerns one at a time. Firstly, does putting him ‘in his place’ as you put it really work? Yes it does, if you do it correctly. And your concern is correct, if your wife-led-marriage is just a means for a kinky thrill for your husband then it won’t work, either for you or him. In a true wife-led marriage, female-dominant sex is a by-product of the relationship, not the reason for the relationship. He must obey you because you make him obey you, not as a trade-off for wife-dominant sex. This is easier than you think. He wants you to be dominant because he is submissive, and this is part of his nature, not just a sexual kink. If he has got to the stage of dropping hints then he is already quite a long way down that road. Where you should start is not with sex, but purely by being more dominant in your everyday relationship. You may not think it, but this is actually what your husband desires. There does not need to be a sexual element to your behaviour, nor should there be. However, this is not simply being bossy or bitchy. Being dominant is exactly that - be dominant. Tell him what to do, in the expectation that he will comply unquestioningly. Don’t whine or argue or reason - just tell. You don’t have to be imperious or vampish or bullying, your manner should be neutral, detached, normal. The effect you want is not in your manner, or even what you tell him to do, it is in the fact that you tell him at all, expecting obedience.
Your questioning whether this can ‘work’ is understandable. Why would he want this kind of relationship? But you already know the answer - he is weak, he is sumbissive, he is a follower, not a leader. This is what he wants because this is in his nature. Sexual desire may be a factor in this, as it is with most impulses in males, but it is not the only factor. However, if you link the two in his mind, then that is what he will respond to. Under no circumstances should you reward him with sex of any kind when he complies with your orders. His reward is your appoval of his obedience. Conversely, if he does not obey, his punishment is your anger with him.
Now, cross dressing. If you think he is wearing your lingerie surreptitiously, then you are almost certainly correct. If you refer to Dr. Connor’s article in this issue, you will find lots of helpful advice regarding a cross-dressing husband. Your concerns are natural, but easily overcome. If you do not wish him to dress publicly, simply forbid him to do so. By the time he gets that far, he won’t even be able to imagine disobeying. Also, he will almost certainly look riodiculous when dressed as a woman completely, but this is not necessary. You can indulge his fetish as a reward, or for your own amusement, or, even more importantly to reinforce his submission to you, simply by allowing him to wear lingerie under his clothes. This is just as effective, and only you and he need know.
Now, your concerns regarding your own sexual needs are very common, and you are correct, turning your husband into a sissy will certainly affect your image of him as a sexually dominant partner, even occasionally. Most women in such circumstances find that they can easily have their satisfied outside the home. How you go about doing that is your own affair, if you’ll excuse the pun. You will almost certainly find that your husband already fantasises about such liaisons. It is by far the most common feature of a sissy husbands desires. Some women of course, find such a course morally questionable. If that is your case, then yes, you do find yourself in a quandry. However, I would offer the following observations. If you already feel this way about your husband, then is he really satisfying your needs, even occassionally as things stand? Also, if as I assure you, your husband would be happy to acquiesce in such an arrangement, then where is the moral question?
As to your final question, I believe you already know the answer. What if he wishes to back out of such an change in your relationship? The question contains a tautology. If you choose to pursue this course, of taking the exclusively dominant role in your marriage. then it is your decision. If he agrees, then he simply cannot back out of it. He has surrendered control to you. If you do wish to do this, then do it. From that point on, your decisions will be the only one that counts.