More Cuck Storm Replacement Service.

 Blogger feels like the worst platform for this stuff. The comment system is atrocious. I think about moving to Medium, but the hassle puts me off. 

Anyway, I got some kind comments, and I wanted to post another excerpt. 

In the meantime - 

More analysis after a second read. You’ve definitely nailed the tone again and the goal of making the cuckolding more indirect to keep it inline with the books was accomplished. I also liked the story about Mike’s past. It gives more context about why he is the person he is and also plays to the “mommy” theme that was very prevalent in the first two books. It also brings to mind the “Alfie” dog story Dave tells in the first book.

The excerpt feels much more connected to the first two books and I can tell how much your analysis has helped. Your point about the main storyline is well made and I’m wondering if there even needed to be a fourth book like was initially announced. It seems like there wouldn’t be enough material unless the original author planned on creating some arbitrary drama like many of the big genre authors tend to do. The author reminds me a bit of the director Michael Bay in a way. He made some good movies but doesn’t actually understand why those movies were considered good nor how to replicate that success in his other work. Like Bay, I don’t think the original author has any idea why his first two books were successful. It’s very possible that you have a better understanding of his work then he ever did.

I don't know about tone. McManus is able to write Dave's inner monologue so well. It feels like you're inside his head. I keep going back to action and dialogue. And my stuff is so wordy. 

I'd totally forgotten about the fat kid and Alfie. That whole sequence in the beach house is so well done. Nothing actually happens but Dave works himself into a total lather in 24 hours. If I'd written that, there would have been an orgy in the hot tub in the first hour.

In my view of Mike, which I haven't really worked into the story much, he is all about domination of other men. He sees sex almost exclusively as a power trip. He doesn't want single women. he only gets off on the power of humiliating other men. There's more of this in other chapters. The childhood story is true, the key point being that he says he didn't bully the other kid, but he did. 

I doubt I have a better understanding of what makes the original two books so good. I certainly can't recreate them. He's able to paint the light and shade very well. I think the problem with the story is the same problem for all cuckold stories. The start is always the best part and after the very first scene, it's all epilogue. 

Cuckolding is a wife going with another man. Once it's happened, it's all repetition. Sure, you can spice it up, escalate it, but the vital 'Oh God, No. Why do I like this?' moment is essentially a once-off, and you're chasing that high for the rest of the book. Sequels even more so. 

All that said, here's a spicing-it-up excerpt from earlier than the other one. I've lest in my own notes and stuff at the top. [doorman] means I can't remember his name and I have to go back and fix it later. 

Another Extract

This is roughly two thirds of the way through. As you'll read, Ashley has been increasingly closing down his masturbation. She's going to a work function of Mike's as Mike's date and will be staying over at a hotel. Is this too much? This 'NoFap' storyline is the main Dave-Ashley interaction. The other main one is the Dave-Mike humiliation one where Mike increasingly engineers situations where he can humble Dave. 

The intention is that this scene flows into Ashley encouraging him to masturbate in front of her, using audio and video of her and Mike together as a lure. That still feels like too much too fast. I haven't written that bit yet, and I'm leaning toward Dave refusing to go along with it but I don't know what that does to the story. 

Input much appreciated.

If you don't want to struggle with comments, alamopreacher@gmail.com will reach me.