Porn Mommy Issues

We have to talk about Eva.

Or rather, my fucked-up relationship with her.

I've made four PMVs of Eva. That's three more than any other pornstar. I have written a novel, or rather, am writing a novel, already longer than War and Peace, called 'Eva's New Lifestyle.' I can pretend it's not about her, but on every page, I've put a picture of Eva Lovia, so who am I fooling? I've written blog posts about her, posted captioned pictures of her. I've downloaded and then deleted over a Terrabyte of her videos and pictures. I love her. I hate her. I don't hate her. She makes me crazy.

My most viewed and downloaded PMV is one of Eva where she gently encourages the viewer to masturbate while she is fucked by her lover. I spent many many hours on it, like the other three which are entirely composed of her videos. Hours staring at her. Listening to her. Admiring her. Adoring her.

 

I joined both of the personal websites Eva created. I joined her onlyfans. I got a twitter account purely so I could follow her. I have bought many, many of her videos. I have probably watched her on some form of media, more than any other woman. 

But I can't stand her. After the JOI video blew up, I re-downloaded some of her videos so I could finish a different one of her that I'd started. I called the folder I put them in 'EvaForMySins'. In a blog post I likened her to Anne Boleyn, who Henry killed but could not excise from his life. 

So, the other day, I opened her twitter, which I had unfollowed, just to see how she is doing. 

And it all came back. She has a podcast now. Of course she does. A Trump-supporting podcast. I read some of the synopsis and her comments. I listened to a couple of episode. Oh God, how can this be her? How can the woman I want her to be, be so very different to the woman she actually is? Spoiled. Self-obsessed. Reactionary. Right wing. Self-satisfied. Uncaring.

"The women’s march does not represent all women. It does not represent me or my beliefs."

"How is using the term mansplaining anytime a man speaks not sexist? Thinking women need SJWs to defend them from conversation is indirectly saying women aren’t capable of going toe to toe with a man. Why is it the progressives want to keep us moving backwards?"

She goes on and on and on like this.

I know, I know. There's absolutely no reason why she should be any other way than she is. The woman in my mind is just my wish fulfillment projected onto porn. It's not like she pretended to be a progressive in her videos and her views in real life are different. She never expressed any views while she was shooting porn. Who would? Eva Lovia isn't her real name. She doesn't even really have a porn 'persona'. There's nothing there. Why would there be? The person in my head is a product of the thousands of hours of video and writing and obsessing that I did, not anything she ever did or said.

It's just, just, that she's SO different. So objectionable. Of course she loves Trump, guns, money, spiritualism. She's anti-vaccination, covid-sceptical and against civil rights. If there's a compassionate political position, then she's on the opposite side. Pro Gun. Pro Life. Pro Cop. Making America Great Again.

I wish. I wish I'd never found out any of this. Or re-discovered it all again. Be warned. Never meet your heroes. Don't even follow them on twitter. Or read their blog. And for God's sake don't listen to their podcast. Unless it's David Tenant. He's okay. His podcast is wonderful. Listening to him chat with Ian McKellan or Stacey Abrams is a joy. But I can't get quite as excited about seeing him in opaque pantyhose. Or anyone else for that matter. It has to be Eva. She is my Porn Mommy. If only I could forget her.